I wish I could break this up with pics, but something's not working, so words will have to do...
This weekend I spiralled down, and it was hard to keep going. There's enough to do, to keep busy, and even to keep positive. But there's good days and bad days, and just no telling them to be anything but themselves.
I read a post on a social networking site, and it was all about the twelve days of Christmas. Seasonal frippery, fun in its way. But I had my reasons for being mortified at sight of such jollity. I wanted to scream and shout, to trash the images and words. But I'm far too British...
no, no stiff upper lip. Just calmly dealing with feelings, then writing a poem, and then realising it didn't matter at all.
Nothing they write can change anything. But it's so easy to blame... and yet, it's so hard to work out who should be in the frame, or if there's just thin air.
There are many things about Christmas that will be forever poignant. Some songs are best avoided. Others produce not a flicker of pain, nor joy. You see, memories and celebrations enjoy a complex relationship. And what is joy for one, will be pain for another. It is best to let it all flow over you. React when you need to, be oblivious other times.
But I know when a poem is brewing -and like most good writers, I know when to drop everything, because the inspiration is brewing. That's when all those lovely notepads around the house come in handy.
Yet there's one thing I cannot write yet. It's the dream I haven't had. The dreams I would like to have. The dreams that may be in the future, but are not yet. Then I will be so quick to pick up my pen. Meanwhile, there are postcards, poems, and many triggers to write...
And those moments that are hardest are unpredictable. They do not take thought, cannot be avoided. Moments that arise unasked, unthought, yet hit you in the face like a truck on the motorway. There is no way of avoiding those moments; hazardous and unpredictable; suddenly there are so many things that take on new meaning, new fears, new possibilities.
Those are the times when a hug; a phone call; a friend; are most needed.